I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
