She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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