I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
