He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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