I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
