You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
