Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
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When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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