Please, let me fuck your mom
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We are two peas in an std pod
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
