I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
