last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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