her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
