and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
