Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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