shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
its liver damage thursday
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
