Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
