what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
