I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
