I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
