I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
