my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
