she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
bring money and cleavage
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
