I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I smell stomach acid.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
