I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
