Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
