i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
