Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize