He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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