New invention idea: vibrating tampons
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
