she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
