why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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