i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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