new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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