he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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