You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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