Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
