So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
