I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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