Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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