My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
