I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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