If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
