I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
