True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
