I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
