it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
