first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
