If that was your dad, he is hot
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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