I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
