My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
