plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
