I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
