My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
