you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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