Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
