I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
