I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
