She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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