my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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