My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
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So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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