I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
