I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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