so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She said her name was "party"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
