I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
